Hurt.

I'm feeling fine even if it's hurt. I'm alone yesterday night, wasted my time, crying alone. No truth but lies that hurt me. I'm just having conversations with the thoughts in my head. All I hear are the lies you've told me. I won't be please to hear it once again. It would be wrong for me to say. I don't need you by my side. I don't need you in my life. I don't want to talk it out or hold you when you're sad. I don't want to say ' you're my kind. I don't want to say ' I wish you're mine'. I don't want to tell you ' I love you more than life'. Honestly, this won't do. How are you doing? I tell myself, I'm feeling swell. but I know, I'm such a fool. I could take it as a new beginning but you know, I don't feel that way. Who will take all this pain away? I know it's wrong for me to say about a sin. was the day, I walked into the other side. I would run back in. I wouldn't waste no time.

Lies.

I had ever wish that I was her, ever close my eyes and think about what could've been. I find it hard to breathe. Look at me, in my eyes. and tell me that you feel nothing inside. cause I can't wash you off my mind. so, I'll forget I love you. give up on us and don't want you anymore. I'll keep on lying to myself, cause we could've had it all. and I should keep pretending that you're only just an ordinary friend. Look at me, tell me lies.

I'm healing.

You and I had something beautiful. but so dysfunctional, it couldn't last. I loved you so but I let you go. cause I knew you'd never love me back. Such pain as this, shouldn't have to be experienced. I'm still reeling from the loss and still a bit delirious. Near to you, I am healing but it's taking so long. cause though you've gone but memories last forever. It's hard to move on. You and I have something different and I'm enjoying it cautiously. I'm battle scarred. I am working so hard, to get back to who I used to be. you're disappearing fading steadily. I'm so close to being yours.

Mistake.

I'm still at this place. Still by your side, I'm tired of wandering. Today again I'm still spinning, flowing and flowing, day after day. That's how I'm here now. You knew of my hurting heart. I hurt when you smile.There is no excuse to laugh and pretend not to know. For not making you love me more, it's my mistake. For making myself love you more, it's my mistake. For not making you love me as much as I wanted you to, it's my mistake. How much more longer, must my tears fall? The lies telling me to wait even my deceived selfishness is now. Tired and worn. Knowing that I can't have you, my indulgent heart is still growing. After waiting alone all by myself, after regretting alone all by myself. It seem that loving you was also a mistake. For not knowing that I will never forget the pain. It's my mistake. I must look like such a fool, for knowing that I'll get hurt but not wanting to let go. Though everything is my fault even then, it's okay. As long as you are here always. Please forgive this kind of me, the me who loves you.

I'm still loving you.

When I close my eyes, I think of you and the time We've had been through. Even though we're far apart right now. I remember back when you were here with me. How you've make my world complete but now I'm left alone. We talked about love and life. Wishing we could start a life our own, I wish I could live without you. Why did you tear my heart apart, you said you love me from the start and all those painful things you've put me through. I'm still loving you. I've tried to give my best to you. I don't deserve the things you do. Everything has gone to memories. I just wish I know the truth behind the lies.

It's wrong for me to stay & love you.

Fate led you straight to me. You came and suddenly, I was weak beyond control. I had given you my soul. My life was no longer mine. I love you more than life itself. I never loved anyone else anymore. I've tried to stop myself so many times. It hurt me. A love like ours. Where can it go? I must be strong. Cause I know, it's wrong for me to stay and love you. One life won't let love grow, it has no place to go. So, I tell myself be strong but the world tells me, I was wrong. Cause life has the final say.

If I ever let you go.

For the past me, my thought full of questions. Should I really let you go? and the now me. I'll say "It's time for you and me to go our separate ways". I'll always cherish of our days like there is no tomorrow. Your love was like the heavens from above. and it felt so real like a dream for me. I'll always keep you close here in my sleep. Even though it has been too long but you know, I'm always still holding on. Every time I see you, you make me wanna enchanted in your hand. but, I know. I couldn't. people may said, I'm a fighter. but, I'm not. I called myself. a betrayal. and I'm tired of it. how I wish you keep coming back to me. but, you never will. never did. you are more than a friend, dumb. I told my friends that I'll be okay. that things are over and I'm over it. It just keep getting better. They thinks that I'm just lying to myself. They don't even know that I am proving to myself. That I can be okay without you in my life. I'll do just fine like I know you'll be fine. I was born without you. and I shall live my life without you. I know, my heart want it. want you to be with me. I'll never gonna do so. how come, every time. I moved on. I will always be the same? There are things, I keep holding on. even though, I knew it will never be the same. When will I stop loving you?

Why do I have to lose?

I think one of the worst feelings in the world, right behind heart break. is the disgustingly empty feeling I got. right after I spill my heart out and lay my cards on the table. Right after I got the courage to say everything I have been feeling and be completely and recklessly honest. It's the feeling I get right after I risk everything and you just walk away. because then, I realize that I just lost. I lost everything I didn't even know, I had when I said ' Why do I have to lose?'

I'm just a second choice.

I hope the sun shines. Hope it's a beautiful day. I hope something reminds you of me, and how I wish you had stayed. We can plan for change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you to stop loving me. cause I'll never stop loving you. The moment, you told me. you've chosen her. I'm not even upset, hurt or angry anymore. I'm just tired. tired of being the second choice of yours. I'm tired of putting in more effort than I receive. I'm tired of holding on for someone who I shouldn't have love. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to be disappointed again. someday, when you asked me, "do you still love me?" I'll say " I used to love you more than everyone does". and I wish I still did.

What's mine remain mine.

At some point I will realize that I have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave you with her.Walk away. It's not like I'm giving up, and it's not like I shouldn't try. It's just that I have to draw the line of determination from desperation. When is truly mine would eventually be mine, and what is not, no matter how hard I try, will never be.

I love you even I hate you.

One day, you're going to text me. That day, I'm going to realize you mean nothing to me anymore. You're just another girl, I wasted my time on, wasted my tears on & giving you a chance to hurt me. You're just another bad memory. I'm going to remember how much I liked you, and missed you, but all the same time how much I hate you. Instead of getting all excited over this one message, that can mean the world to me, but nothing to you, just click erase and move on with my life. You're not worth it. Dumb, I love you even I hate you.

Nothing old, nothing new.

I can't go back to the old me, because the new me has seen too many things. It's not worth trying to be someone whom had already gone, whom I'm not, I won't be happy. but, being the new me doesn't make me happy either. Nothing old, nothing new. I just need time. I love, I live in the moment, but I regret too.

Start over.

I miss us. and I don't mean together hanging out. I mean like I miss us being so close and telling each other everything. For once, If I had to count the reasons why I love you and why I'm so in love with you. I'd have count forever. you know, I'm glad that you trust me. It makes me fell like I'm worth something. but, I probably felt sorry. I shouldn't have did that to you. I would like it to start over. For just once, I wish I could just be me. the old me. I hate being the fake me in front of you. I want to be the me with no masks on, no rehearsed answers, no empty promises & no fake smiles. but, it couldn't have been. why can't everything just start over?

A thousand words nor tears!:)

I should have stop dreaming. If you really truly wants me. nothing will keep you away. You will do everything that could be able to be with me. Giving up always an option but never a choice.You just give up. you just stop showing. but, I still don't understand. How could you walk away that easily from me? Did you ever even love me? This is me being real. This is actually how I feel. I don't know. should I really forget about you? It's hard, you know? losing someone you truly cared about. A thousand words couldn't bring you back. I know. neither could thousand tears? I think it's better for me to end this feelings for you and start another than to imprison myself in hoping for the impossible:)

Stay with me!:)

I remember a prison of all memories between us and I'm drowning in tears. I remember a voice, that was calling my name. and I know. I'll never feel this anymore. All the time you made me cry. I walked away and never said goodbye. I guess I lost you. now, you probably just gone. I tried to hide the pain. But, all I can see is you!:) How can I do it? I don't have any clue. Would you stay with me?

you're just the same.

I'm sad. I thought you're different. you'll fight for what you love & you fight for what you deserve to. but, it proved me. I was wrong. you just stop loving me, the moment I fall for you. the day you stop used to be the day I start!:) I broken my own heart by loving you. It's alright. I'm alright!:) I know it's hard to fight with your fear. I understand. I've let you go. treat her right!:)I've moved on. moving on by remembering it but it doesn't affect me anymore!:)

Still.

People do said, let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough and move on when things aren't like before. There's someone out there who willing to give them all to you & love you more. I know. I deserve better and meant to be happier than now. I know. I should give up and believe she never make changes. I know. I should move on and live better than she does. but, I still love her. she's the one, I love with all my heart and it never disappears when we're apart. I've done everything just to make her happy. I want to paint our future together. I know it's not worth for me to do so. I just make this decision.

It turn out the same thing.

I may not be perfect. I may not be good enough for everybody. but, I will always be the best for someone who really deserves me. and that's you, darling. you're probably the someone who worth my tears, worth my laughter, worth my heart & love me as much as I love you. It's never too hard for me to sacrifice everything for you. I always know that what we want and what we're trying to escape, are sometimes the very same thing.

As long ago.

Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy. darling, you know. there's gonna be anger, tears & laughter. It's when we want to be together despite it all. that's when we truly love another. I'm sure of it. The things that we did in love to each other, we remember. and if we stay together, it's not because we forget, it's because we forgive. aren't we? I may give Pulse for pulse, breath for breath. speak low, lean low. As long ago, my love, how long ago. My love never end.

Remembering nor Forgetting.

Darling, for the future. remember me with smiles and laughs, for that's how I'll remember you. If you can only remember me with sadness and tears, then don't remember me at all. alright? I may not have given you much to remember but please do. don't forget me. Sometimes, it's might be hurt of thinking back, what we used to be. we're belong to each other. just in a blink of eyes, everything is gone this way. that's should be for us to survive by remembering but, sometimes we survive by forgetting. aren't we?