Why do I have to lose?

I think one of the worst feelings in the world, right behind heart break. is the disgustingly empty feeling I got. right after I spill my heart out and lay my cards on the table. Right after I got the courage to say everything I have been feeling and be completely and recklessly honest. It's the feeling I get right after I risk everything and you just walk away. because then, I realize that I just lost. I lost everything I didn't even know, I had when I said ' Why do I have to lose?'

I'm just a second choice.

I hope the sun shines. Hope it's a beautiful day. I hope something reminds you of me, and how I wish you had stayed. We can plan for change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you to stop loving me. cause I'll never stop loving you. The moment, you told me. you've chosen her. I'm not even upset, hurt or angry anymore. I'm just tired. tired of being the second choice of yours. I'm tired of putting in more effort than I receive. I'm tired of holding on for someone who I shouldn't have love. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to be disappointed again. someday, when you asked me, "do you still love me?" I'll say " I used to love you more than everyone does". and I wish I still did.

What's mine remain mine.

At some point I will realize that I have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave you with her.Walk away. It's not like I'm giving up, and it's not like I shouldn't try. It's just that I have to draw the line of determination from desperation. When is truly mine would eventually be mine, and what is not, no matter how hard I try, will never be.

I love you even I hate you.

One day, you're going to text me. That day, I'm going to realize you mean nothing to me anymore. You're just another girl, I wasted my time on, wasted my tears on & giving you a chance to hurt me. You're just another bad memory. I'm going to remember how much I liked you, and missed you, but all the same time how much I hate you. Instead of getting all excited over this one message, that can mean the world to me, but nothing to you, just click erase and move on with my life. You're not worth it. Dumb, I love you even I hate you.

Nothing old, nothing new.

I can't go back to the old me, because the new me has seen too many things. It's not worth trying to be someone whom had already gone, whom I'm not, I won't be happy. but, being the new me doesn't make me happy either. Nothing old, nothing new. I just need time. I love, I live in the moment, but I regret too.

Start over.

I miss us. and I don't mean together hanging out. I mean like I miss us being so close and telling each other everything. For once, If I had to count the reasons why I love you and why I'm so in love with you. I'd have count forever. you know, I'm glad that you trust me. It makes me fell like I'm worth something. but, I probably felt sorry. I shouldn't have did that to you. I would like it to start over. For just once, I wish I could just be me. the old me. I hate being the fake me in front of you. I want to be the me with no masks on, no rehearsed answers, no empty promises & no fake smiles. but, it couldn't have been. why can't everything just start over?

A thousand words nor tears!:)

I should have stop dreaming. If you really truly wants me. nothing will keep you away. You will do everything that could be able to be with me. Giving up always an option but never a choice.You just give up. you just stop showing. but, I still don't understand. How could you walk away that easily from me? Did you ever even love me? This is me being real. This is actually how I feel. I don't know. should I really forget about you? It's hard, you know? losing someone you truly cared about. A thousand words couldn't bring you back. I know. neither could thousand tears? I think it's better for me to end this feelings for you and start another than to imprison myself in hoping for the impossible:)