Thursday, December 29, 2011


I'm still at this place. Still by your side, I'm tired of wandering. Today again I'm still spinning, flowing and flowing, day after day. That's how I'm here now. You knew of my hurting heart. I hurt when you smile.There is no excuse to laugh and pretend not to know. For not making you love me more, it's my mistake. For making myself love you more, it's my mistake. For not making you love me as much as I wanted you to, it's my mistake. How much more longer, must my tears fall? The lies telling me to wait even my deceived selfishness is now. Tired and worn. Knowing that I can't have you, my indulgent heart is still growing. After waiting alone all by myself, after regretting alone all by myself. It seem that loving you was also a mistake. For not knowing that I will never forget the pain. It's my mistake. I must look like such a fool, for knowing that I'll get hurt but not wanting to let go. Though everything is my fault even then, it's okay. As long as you are here always. Please forgive this kind of me, the me who loves you.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I'm still loving you.

When I close my eyes, I think of you and the time We've had been through. Even though we're far apart right now. I remember back when you were here with me. How you've make my world complete but now I'm left alone. We talked about love and life. Wishing we could start a life our own, I wish I could live without you. Why did you tear my heart apart, you said you love me from the start and all those painful things you've put me through. I'm still loving you. I've tried to give my best to you. I don't deserve the things you do. Everything has gone to memories. I just wish I know the truth behind the lies.

It's wrong for me to stay & love you.

Fate led you straight to me. You came and suddenly, I was weak beyond control. I had given you my soul. My life was no longer mine. I love you more than life itself. I never loved anyone else anymore. I've tried to stop myself so many times. It hurt me. A love like ours. Where can it go? I must be strong. Cause I know, it's wrong for me to stay and love you. One life won't let love grow, it has no place to go. So, I tell myself be strong but the world tells me, I was wrong. Cause life has the final say.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

If I ever let you go.

For the past me, my thought full of questions. Should I really let you go? and the now me. I'll say "It's time for you and me to go our separate ways". I'll always cherish of our days like there is no tomorrow. Your love was like the heavens from above. and it felt so real like a dream for me. I'll always keep you close here in my sleep. Even though it has been too long but you know, I'm always still holding on. Every time I see you, you make me wanna enchanted in your hand. but, I know. I couldn't. people may said, I'm a fighter. but, I'm not. I called myself. a betrayal. and I'm tired of it. how I wish you keep coming back to me. but, you never will. never did. you are more than a friend, dumb. I told my friends that I'll be okay. that things are over and I'm over it. It just keep getting better. They thinks that I'm just lying to myself. They don't even know that I am proving to myself. That I can be okay without you in my life. I'll do just fine like I know you'll be fine. I was born without you. and I shall live my life without you. I know, my heart want it. want you to be with me. I'll never gonna do so. how come, every time. I moved on. I will always be the same? There are things, I keep holding on. even though, I knew it will never be the same. When will I stop loving you?

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Why do I have to lose?

I think one of the worst feelings in the world, right behind heart break. is the disgustingly empty feeling I got. right after I spill my heart out and lay my cards on the table. Right after I got the courage to say everything I have been feeling and be completely and recklessly honest. It's the feeling I get right after I risk everything and you just walk away. because then, I realize that I just lost. I lost everything I didn't even know, I had when I said ' Why do I have to lose?'

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I'm just a second choice.

I hope the sun shines. Hope it's a beautiful day. I hope something reminds you of me, and how I wish you had stayed. We can plan for change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you to stop loving me. cause I'll never stop loving you. The moment, you told me. you've chosen her. I'm not even upset, hurt or angry anymore. I'm just tired. tired of being the second choice of yours. I'm tired of putting in more effort than I receive. I'm tired of holding on for someone who I shouldn't have love. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to be disappointed again. someday, when you asked me, "do you still love me?" I'll say " I used to love you more than everyone does". and I wish I still did.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

What's mine remain mine.

At some point I will realize that I have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave you with her.Walk away. It's not like I'm giving up, and it's not like I shouldn't try. It's just that I have to draw the line of determination from desperation. When is truly mine would eventually be mine, and what is not, no matter how hard I try, will never be.

I love you even I hate you.

One day, you're going to text me. That day, I'm going to realize you mean nothing to me anymore. You're just another girl, I wasted my time on, wasted my tears on & giving you a chance to hurt me. You're just another bad memory. I'm going to remember how much I liked you, and missed you, but all the same time how much I hate you. Instead of getting all excited over this one message, that can mean the world to me, but nothing to you, just click erase and move on with my life. You're not worth it. Dumb, I love you even I hate you.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Nothing old, nothing new.

I can't go back to the old me, because the new me has seen too many things. It's not worth trying to be someone whom had already gone, whom I'm not, I won't be happy. but, being the new me doesn't make me happy either. Nothing old, nothing new. I just need time. I love, I live in the moment, but I regret too.